Now, first of all I predict that a vast majority of females of the human species will be rolling their eyes in disbelief or even nodding off at this very moment. I learned very early on that if you want to impress a girl, don’t mention humanoid synthetic organisms. Perhaps times have changed but in my early teens it was a definite no no to express any interest in robotics and A.I on the dance floor. Maybe it’s different in Japan, almost everyone there is robot mad, the more the better it seems, they’ve even started creating something called an actroid, which I guess won’t be winning any Oscars in the near future. Osaka has even been nicknamed Robot City, which is populated by so many robot receptionists, cleaners, tourist guides, and factory workers I have an inkling that it won’t be long before all humans can rest on their laurels and let androids run the place soon.

Still, for now, if you haven’t quite got the budget for your own android, you can always purchase one of Leighton’s t-shirts, and share his belief that indeed, Androids Always Win. What’s more you get a free pennant with every order to help you cheer on the oncoming advancement of a new and artificially intelligent race, let’s just hope they don’t decide to wipe us all out and take over the planet :/

Android Stole My Ride Tee

You park your Colonial Viper, turn your back and the next thing you know someone’s stole your ride. Typical. Worse still it’s one of those pesky androids that always win. What I love about this design is the hark back to the original 1978 series of Battlestar Galactica. I watched a lot of goof off sci-fi on TV as a kid and I still have a soft spot for BG. It was bad, I know, not as bad as Buck Rodgers, but still even then I could feel the analogue waves of schmaltz flowing over me via the wonders of the vacuum tube. Still, for those who remember the A-Team, Face still had a face back then and believably got all the spare ladies who seemed to hang around the base with little to do. There was a furry robot that sucked, it was called Muffit of all things, sort of a dog with an innuendo-laden name that did very little. I know I’ve lost most of you by now, I must be one of the few human beings to have avoided the 2003 remake of the series, blame it on the passing years, an attachment to nostalgia or a general malaise when it comes to the delights of TV. You can requisition this future classic Android Stole My Ride tee in black or red for $22 in S to XL sizes (plus custom sizes).

Get On Board Tee

If only governments would invest as much in public transport as this I’m sure the world would be a far better place. Still asides the rocket powered bus (which I do hope is run on unleaded at the very least) there’s plenty to love about this design, such as – you guessed it – more androids, what else would you expect? Plus a sneaky Cylon (they do get everywhere) has managed to bunk the fare, that’s an original Cylon with the daft ticking line for an eye, daft but still mesmerising. I loved the original monotone Cylons’ voices too, oh if only current sci-fi could take itself a little less seriously, seriously kitsch that is. Take a ride with the Get On Board tee available in aqua, gold and white for $22 in sizes S to XL.

Androids United Tee

Although I prefer this tee in white they’ve sold out in that colour at the moment, still you can get Androids United in heather for $22 in sizes S to XL. It looks as if Leighton’s promises have come true, no wonder they’re all smiling. If I were to be surrounded by oncoming androids intent on destroying me I would head to the nearest wet kitchen floor, stand on a chair, find a live wire, detach one from a toaster or a kettle, and throw it down, that should finish them off. Just one scenario where androids might not always win :p Only teasing, then again, it might be worth getting out that mop and bucket just in case the invasion is around the corner.

Android Always Win Tee

Here’s the latest offering from The Dept. – Androids Always Win available in navy blue there aren’t too many sizes left, if you’re a medium sizes man or small or medium sized woman you’re in luck. I presume the same applies to android sizes if we have any humanoid visitors at the blog today, although not sure how the bank approved your application for a credit card. Still if the sci-fi of the 1970s are anything to go by, asides from having to wear jumpsuits and sport dodgy haircuts, the androids only have our best interests at heart. Get this tee for $22.

So for now let’s take a look at three new tees at SplitReason…

In their inimitable toon stylings this one made me laugh, ever fancied an exotic pet?

Rainy Day at Umbrella Corp T-Shirt. If you’ve ever played Resident Evil (who hasn’t?) or seen the excellent trilogy of sci-fi horror films starring the skinny but exotic and alluring ex-model Milla Jovovich you’ll know what this one’s about. A story of genetic experimentation gone mad, this t-shirt is a hilarious take on the whole theme, I’m sure you wouldn’t get much trouble from the local thugs that breed Rottweillers and the like, (have they banned those in the UK?), although I doubt you’d be able to strike up much of a conversation with dog walkers in the local park. I’m not sure if I’d fancy one of these mutant monsters climbing up the curtains and terrifying my cats but I can see the advantages. You’d never be short of silk for a start, what’s more you’d never need a fly zapper, although they’d probably eat you out of house and home.

Fate works in mysterious ways, I’ve just reviewed Blood is the New Black, and now it seems that SplitReason’s favourite colour is dead!

The Colour of Dead T-Shirt. I was never a fan of crayons, except as a kid when I had a tendency to eat them, along with (as I am reliably and erm hilariously informed every Christmas by one or other of my parents: paper, cardboard, polystyrene, plastic, wood etc.), I must have amazingly strong bowels, not the sort of thing you expect to read at a t-shirt reviews blog.

Let me warn you now, telling people about your bowels is a definite conversation killer. I’m not sure if these crayons are quite dead enough for me, I’d like to see more bits of the dropping off, the colour of death is usually a putrid brown, with a few flecks of green and red if your lucky, but then again who’s going to buy crayons of that colour? Zombie crayons – definitely a new one on me.

Peek into the Dark Side is one for the Star Wars fans, if you have The Force, don’t use it for good or evil, just use it to have some fun, and who knows maybe you can make a little money out of it too.

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have unlimited powers, I’d probably want to explore space, there’s only so many mere mortals you can pick on before you’d get bored. I used to love Star Wars, I even saw the premiere in 1977 (showing my age again), my mum and dad had just got divorced (which was unheard of back then) and a friend of mine Darren Cole (useless at karate, lonely but spoilt only child) had rich parents, apparently his dad was a builder to the stars. He’d secured tickets to a crazy new movie and they took me along out of sympathy, it was one of the most amazing experience of my life (and no drugs involved except for the crazy artificial additives in the sweets and drinks back then – Kia Ora high!), Industrial Light and Magic had done Britain proud (that statement is a rarity from me – putting ‘Britain’ and ‘proud’ in the same sentence), without all the fireworks I very much doubt I’d have loved the first Star Wars film half as much as I did. I stayed faithful for two more, but don’t even mention the latter three, they suck so much I’d be suicidal (if my name was George Lucas).

i can’t end a post with the words George Lucas, that would be a crime (not unlike his later works). Ah well I’ve little more to say except if you’re a geek, a sci-fi addict, a horror movie buff or toon fan you really should check out SplitReason.com – my MacBook spacebar has started squeaking by the way.

There are plenty of places (such as tacky beach shops and theme parks) that will sell you a “…and all I got was this lousy” t-shirt, but imagine if you were forced into the nightmare world of say The Terminator or spent a night at The Overlook Hotel in The Shining. If you did survive your ordeal, you’re most likely going to want some proof to dispel the doubts of friends and family (and possibly a few psychiatrists at the local loony bin).

Well now you can, and to be honest this idea almost feels wasted on t-shirts, I wouldn’t be surprised to see this collection in a gallery one day, after all it’s inventively screwy as most Modern Art I’ve come across. Smashing down the barriers between reality (as we know it) and populist fiction (which we know so well it may as well be real); the modern myth written as a screenplay, our collective dreamscape discovered somewhere in the back lot of a Hollywood studio, and our ideas of time, space and existence almost recognisable under the weight of a century of celluloid fantasy.

Take a peek at these and you’ll understand why:-

“Open the pod bay doors, HAL.” It’s apparently been voted the 78th most famous movie quotation (American Film Institute). Hal always gave me the creeps, whilst the hippies of the late 60′s took Acid* and turned this potential flop of a movie into a cult classic before it moved on to megastardom as one of the most famous movies of all-time – practically re-inventing the sci-fi genre overnight. Strangely enough incrementing each letter of “HAL” gives you “IBM”, though I doubt they or any technology company are quite up to the standards set by this ominous and malevolent A.I super computer.

Yes it’s a tad geeky, but what the hell, I’d buy a HAL if I could afford it (and it existed), I just won’t attach it to a self-destruction system, it should be fine. I’d have loved to have seen a fake phone number on here, just confuse the matter further, in fact I’d make a sideline out of premium phone lines, a dupe falls for the gag, calls the number, and hears HAL on the receiver. Kerching!

The Lacuna Inc. t-shirt is directly inspired by one of the saddest films I’ve ever seen, I know that Jim Carrey has a lot of critics out there, but I’m not one of them. I even like The Cable Guy, especially Jim’s rendition of Somebody To Love. Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind is an utterly heart wrenching film. I’m not usually keen on romantic movies, but this has to be one of the strangest of its ilk in history.

It brings up the question, would you rather not remember? We’ve all had painful periods in our respective lives, but given the choice would you rather have your memory wiped, go back in time and do it differently or just live with it? I know for myself I’d rather live with it, pain can build character, it can also turn people into psychos, but for the most part I’d say that emotional growth relies heavily on the good and bad times in life. Imagine if no one could ever remember their worst experience, I’d guess it would be an even more terrifying world. Editing history is never a good thing. What if WW2 was wiped off the map? I’m sure it wouldn’t be long until WW3 (which would be called WW2) flared up. History is the making of man, ignorance of history is the undoing of us all. Therapy can reach too far, it can be as damaging as any emotionally crippling event, if you can’t live with the experience it’s more than likely you can’t live with anything on this planet. Some days the world and its inhabitants seem cold and indifferent. But what about those brief moments when life proves otherwise, a kind deed, a shared experience of joy or love of even relief. It’s the contrasts that make life tolerable, happiness only exists in comparison to unhappiness, without one the other could never exist.

Being John Malkovich has to be the strangest film I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of weird ones in my time, I suppose it’s mainly down to Malkovich himself, who in fact must be the strangest actor in modern history. He evokes a passionately cerebral air about him and seems to twist most films around him, bending them like light into a form he can fill.

If the film was ‘Being Bruce Willis’ or ‘Being Brad Pitt’ or ‘Being Christian Bale’ I doubt it would’ve worked, in fact I’d guarantee it would have flopped. What is stranger still is the enormous chunk of the movie dedicated to puppeteering, which I’ve always found a little creepy. If you’ve ever considered jumping into another person’s brain, be warned, you may find yourself trapped there, forever.

To create a t-shirt of such obscure origins is admirable to say the least, but do they sell? i wonder.

You’ll find loads more of these oddities of the t-shirt world at Last Exit to Nowhere

If I was Carlos I’d begin by creating an animated series, ‘something for the kids’, a tangible product to hang his ideas on. I don’t like ‘anonymous art’, and I haven’t an avenue to enter his strange, retro, and pseudo-sci-fi influenced universe as promised from the word go. I saw the video, which is strange (to say the least). I loved it, but it didn’t tell me much, and afterwards it felt like a rather brief and frustrating teaser, I was hoping for some kind of explanation to what the hell is going on over there.

Take a look at the promo vid …

I watched this video and was excited for a moment, I guess I was expecting a promotion for a new a film, a cartoon, a strange and bizarre theatre production, a new line in toys, something to make sense of it all, but it cut short just as the story should’ve begun.

The truth is I love the style, the t-shirts are slightly disappointing, but I think it’s because I just don’t have the background story, or rather, very little so far. Tell me more mate!?!

Someone please tell me (please for god sake tell me), that all of this is leading up to something? Is there a master plan at work here, or simply a touch of the crazies about Fast Joe. I love the attitude, he seems like the kinda guy who should be working for Adult Swim, à la Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Robot Chicken, etc.

In this case, the t-shirts seem to be and should be nothing more like merchandising (i.e all of his work is trademarked) for a Fast Joe epic of some form, this guy should be working to a far grander scale. It’s like an unfinished masterpiece…. very frustrating. I’m not Fast Joe, I don’t know much about the guy, but I am sure he has a lot of explaining to do

Here’s the bio copped from his site :-

“This is the story of 8 brothers living in one body. Born from an interplanetary union Jonathan, George, William, Carlos, Francisco, James, Emilio, and Maximo were your typical all-in-one-jack-of-all-trades carnival sideshow freak.

In The Year 2130, society has become a capitalistic dystopia and humankind has been reduced to a mindless bunch of meat puppets bent on mass consumption. Only one place in the entire world can provide original designs and merchandise…”

OK, that essentially read like a pitch for a cartoon to me, how about you? It’s truly frustrating when you come across someone with such obvious talent and vast swathes of imagination who just leaves the job half done. I don’t think I’ve ever advised a t-shirt designer to animate before, and I probably won’t again, but if I and anyone else apart from perhaps a few kids out there who just like the funny pictures, are ever expected to understand what’s happening at FJ’s, he has to pile a more creative biography and deliver some cartoon escapades, and he needs to do it pronto.

These t-shirts aren’t exciting me because, as I mentioned earlier, everything about his work feels like a run-up to something far bigger. It’s difficult, I’m in a bind, I review t-shirts here, not the potential career of what could be the next SpongeBob. I am at a loss Joe. What more can say? We all know how funny wieners are, but however great the style, the joke eventually runs thin.

The fact that Carlos/Joe describes his products as limited edition ‘merchandise’ is a big give-away that here’s a designer with far greater aspirations than lowly t-shirt design. Time is ticking, and this potential arrival in the adult/weird/retro/cool cartoon market is probably tucked up in bed right now dreaming up even more strange ideas. The thing is you have to work a damn sight harder if you’re going to be a successful animator, you’d be creating the equivalent of 1000s of t-shirts a day, and all it would amount to is a few minutes TV airtime.

As a rule I refuse to write negative reviews, indeed I’d rather not write at all than heap negatives at a stranger. If someone’s that awful I usually mail them a quick but polite note to say I’m not interested. But FJ’s ideas are too intriguing to drop, his style too deft. The site has very little traffic, no one is linking to FastJoe.com, and I think this guy needs to ‘up his game’ if he wants to be big. Which he could be, very easily, if he just steers himself in the right direction. Oh by the way – where are all the aliens? I need a better grip on all this, I love the retro style, it’s superb, it’s succinct, but how does it relate to the brief mention (so far) of Fast Joe’s world?

Keep the style and sense of humour, create a 5 minute storyboard, scan it, run it through Flash, add some sound, upload it to your site and start networking with the likes of Adult Swim pronto! If you get that airtime you can merchandise till you drop, and people will buy. I’ve always advised that designers avoid diving headlong into creating a brand for their products, creating a whole world to market is a difficult thing to do, the audience is either nervous and distrustful, or if you have the exposure, ravenous and eat ideas up like kids do candy. Worst of all if they’ve seen it before, or want more but nothing’s forthcoming, they’ll drop you like a hot potato.

So Joe, if you’re as fast as you say you are, I should be featuring your first episode at Buy Tees in the very near future.

Give us more, and make sure it’s as mondo kitch and geekfest as your ideas so far and I guarantee you, you will be the next Internet sensation! If any readers agree let me know and comment below, I’d love to have a hand in helping to make Fast Joe a household name, shall we test the power of word of mouth and give this guy the kick up the backside he needs to become the next toon guru?

{This space is dedicated to a whole heap of missing background information that could’ve made all the difference to this review}