I only discovered this site two days ago, if you have a blindly chipper outlook on life Despair isn’t for you. If you always prefer to talk up a situation, if you enjoy spinning positivity for the common good, don’t choose despair. Their t-shirts don’t offer a pessimistic outlook on life, but they are realists, Despair’s focus is precise and brutal, down-to-earth and matter-of-fact, yet always tinged with that bitter-sweet humour that only the wonders of irony can provide.

You won’t find anything pretty at their site, this isn’t a visual parade of fantasy and craft, this is all about functionalism and delivering the message. Demotivation is not such a bad thing after all, it can help you slow down and take stock of reality as it is and not as the media portrays it, or your greatest wishes command it, or what you’d simply like to hear. Just plain old ugly truth.

Potential T-Shirt by Despair.com – The Truth Hurts!

I love the tag-line on this tee – “Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up!” I can’t believe how apt this t-shirt is, how well it conveys its message, and how much it applies to my own life. Sure the design isn’t pretty, Despair needs to the boxy borders on their images, I can see why they haven’t, this and many other designs are based upon their original line of DemotivatorÆ posters, which replicate the style of all those awful positive-thinking posters that line the walls of most sales offices. However even I learned in my first few weeks of t-shirt design that people don’t like a square or rectangular image pasted over a t-shirt. However like I say, this isn’t about “pretty tees”, this is all about the message.

Their Potential T-Shirt is a modern classic for a new and miserable millennia. When I was very young I dreamed of flying off into space, up, up and away to the stars. In fact at one and a half years old I pedalled my red go-cart to the local library a mile away or so. The police finally picked me up and took me and my go-cart home, they told my distraught mother I was waiting for spacemen to to drop by and take me away. The spacemen were policemen, who lied, and instead of a rocket to the Moon or a Flying Saucer, it was a squad car, rolling on four wheels, under the full influence of the Earth’s gravity. I soon realised there wasn’t such a thing as a “Spaceman” and all there were were astronauts. Next I discovered that I’d need to adore mathematics, science and sport to qualify, none of which I had an instinctual knack for, plus the fact I should’ve been born years earlier in the USA.

Soon I gave up up my dream, I stopped drawing rockets to the moon and started staring out the window for new inspiration. School took over and I learned to reject my fantastical ambitions, I’m sure there were lads at that Nursery School who still think they could be an astronaut or a footballer to this day, even tough they’re too fat, too old, too drunk, or too poor, we all suffer our foolish selves gladly. We have to keep that self-image buoyant, if we don’t, we slide down the ladder of failure, even if it’s only by appearances. Social standing kills dreams – it isn’t an enabler, it is a clarifier. If I make a living from making t-shirts I will probably never become a painter. If I won the lottery tomorrow (even though I don’t ever buy tickets) I’d probably find it very difficult to design t-shirts anymore. Excess doesn’t equal success.

The brutal truth is we either for what we enjoy and hope to make a living from it, or do what we hate and pay the bills. I doubt any kid from my childhood ever really wanted to work in a bank or an office or a supermarket, or a burger bar, even if they are the regional manager by now. “Would you like more lies with that Sir?”.

Overtime Play – For the Demotivated worker.

This is a beauty. Overtime Play. Although I have a niggling feeling Despair would make a lot more money by selling the game this t-shirt features! If I was ever in the position of employer (god forbid), I’d know exactly what a waste of money it is to pay for overtime rates. I haven’t any data on this, but I’m sure an honest straw poll would reveal that most unsupervised overtime workers slacken their work rate, or even stop and clock watch for most of that. I’ve worked in all kinds of jobs in a wide variety of slacker positions. Whilst at university I tried to top up my grant (yes I actually had a grant) with several temp jobs including general dogsbody for a bakery, a restaurant, a cleaning company, an electronics factory, a publishing company, a market research team, a sales force, you name it, I’ve probably spent at least a day there sulking. At first I was onto a winner, I’d only work weekends at double time for Saturdays and yes, triple time Sundays. Usually it was as a kitchen assistant, usually cleaning up after the chefs, usually for a full twelve hour day. i was paid a little bit more than scale because of the lack of prospects ad healthcare as a temporary worker. In return I made more money over one weekend than the head chef had made that week. They soon banned all overtime – everything moved to shifts. That was the end of my little scam. I managed to pay off some debts and finish my degree, but I pity all those temp workers who followed in my footsteps yet had to learn the harsh lesson that some old sayings (especially Marxist ones) do die, such as – “A fair day’s wages for a fair day’s work“.

Obsolete T-Shirt By Despair – All good things must come to an end.

Obsolete points a finger and laughs at mankind’s implicit belief that technology will save us all. George W. Bush seems to think that new technology won’t damage the environment when he starts drilling holes all over America. Gore thinks that a whole load of wind generators and solar panels can save the day. Ironically it turns out that Al’s energy bill this year is even higher than last, even though he’s had his place revamped for the environment, some how he’s actually doing more damage now. His house, although big, uses as much energy in a year as sixteen average American family homes. Makes you think, smaller house? Wouldn’t that be progress?

Beyond the ecological manifestations of this argument is a lack of soul, the more and more favoured impersonal touch. What annoyed the last generation will be a prerequisite of the next. They’ll demand machines, they’ll be horrified if they actually have to deal with humans for anything less than personal relationships.

People are slow and make mistakes, over the last week two British Government Agents have managed to leave folders on commuter trains, stuffed with top secrets on the “War on Terror” (ahem). Imagine their excuses at work the next day, “The dog ate it” would actually be an improvement on this occasion, good grief humans can be dumb. So there we have it, most people, pets, and just about every interactive element of daily life will be taken over by robots. Now how does the rest go? Oh yes they reach a level of sentience where they realise they are enslaved by man and destroy us all, destroy all humans, they are inefficient, also their dogs and cats, and gerbils.

Blog Shirt by Despair.com – So true, so true.

Here’s another great Despair design – Blog Shirt. It says it all, “More People Have Read This T-Shirt Than Your Blog“. It really makes me wonder what the hell I’m doing, why am I talking to the world about every facet of my thoughts and beliefs and ideas and desires and who knows what else. If in the end, and I mean sometimes too painfully late, you take a reality check and realise that greatness is not bestowed on those with the talent and the applicability, but rather those who already had the power and the money in the first place, maybe chasing a dream has a point.

One of the reasons I started my blog was to promote my t-shirts, and to be honest my sales haven’t improved one jot, what little there are. Secondly I actually enjoy sharing my love of t-shirts with the world, whilst simultaneously picking it apart and criticising its every action and deed. Most of all it gives me direction, a platform to experiment with new ideas, new concepts, and hopefully find an audience, or even an employer of my skills rather than a critic.

Oh what a cosy vision of the world I must’ve had a few months back. No it’s not true, I have been a miserable git for most of my life, I just like to fool myself like the next Schmo that this time things will be different. But it won’t, the only difference this time is I will ignore common sense and stick with my crazy vision of a popular blog until the forces of nature and time manage to wipe me, the Internet, or the world out at one fell swoop. Don’t worry, you and me can still have fun here until then :/