The Downfall of the V-Neck

In fashion everything rises and falls, be it skirts, shorts, or even plunging v-necks, but when I came across this article recently I realised it’s happened, women have got their way and now heterosexual men have become so feminised that they’re buying t-shirts from women’s clothing stores. So what happened to man, why is he so terrified of looking male? Because women, or rather those he desires, demand it.

It’s a sad sad sight to see, there’s even a Flickr page dedicated to the phenomenon, and most conjecture points to the trend as yet another sign that woman has finally superseded man in the sex wars, there aren’t any men left, or rather, we’re all too embarrassed to admit it. Yes I’m male, I’m straight and I don’t use a pantheon of specialised beauty products (including eyeliner these days), and I don’t wear plunging necklines, if I was female, if I had a decent cleavage, perhaps I would, but why would I want to reveal that particular part of my chest anyway? If I had decent pecs I’d make sure that people got an eyeful at the beach perhaps, i.e stripped to the waist and lazing in the sun. But not on the way to work, or on a night out with the lads, or in most situations I can possibly think of, plunging isn’t necessary.

So is it the end of the male man? Are men doomed to tag along no matter how feminised the latest fashion trends? Perhaps there’s something in the water supply, in fact there is and it’s called Estrogen, and it’s turning male fish stocks into hermaphrodites. Rumour has it that plastic containers give off low levels of synthetic Estrogen, which leeches into what’s in the container, be it water, soda, juice, or whatever. Supposedly it is removed from the body by the kidneys, but who knows if there would be a cumulative effect, when combined with other exposures, such as through the tap water.

So essentially it’s the end of mankind, or rather the archetypal male, Testosterone fuelled creature of dynamism, fighters of wars, builders of cities, are not long for this earth, an in a way I can understand why. We don’t need anymore cities, we need less people. We don’t want any more wars, we want greater human rights for all, a level playing field in the world markets and religious tolerance, and if we don’t want that we’re doomed. What we have instead are plunging V-necks and male beauty products, waxed chests and bleached teeth.

I remember a time when such concerns were viewed as shallow, these days it seems to be the be all and end all of everything. Are you attractive, fit, in good health and bang up-to-date with the latest fashions? If you are do you have time to be anything else? I can’t imagine great scientists, philosophers, engineers, biologists or politicians of the future being ignored because they haven’t waxed their chests or their shoes are the wrong colour. Then again I wouldn’t be surprised, metrosexuality is being touted everywhere from the movies to magazines to advertising to music to the Internet and back, and all the while millions of men are left confused with the abject lack of common sense in what passes as male fashion these days.

Rockstars used to wear make up, men who wore women’s clothing had a fetish, and beach bullies literally flaunted their matted fur chests up until the 1970s, and then we realised, a majority of women don’t like men, in fact they seem to like women trapped in men’s bodies (poor souls). Most will never escape and if they do they are rarely all that attractive, and as the world’s marketing machine whirrs and clicks it’s way to an inevitable climax of ridicule for all those who participated, men cannot take the risk of being left behind.

By the early 1980’s, I and my friends would push the boat out, but we were intentionally trying to look like freaks, and most of us genuinely thought we could be famous. The Punk Era had just fizzled out in a string of race riots caused by the National Front’s skinhead army, they’d finished beating up all the hippies and now they were after the rest of us. We expected a beating, every weekend we’d have to weigh up the balance, the attention of cute babes against the heavy fists and ball-crunching knees of the local rugby team. We took the risk and had a weird but wonderful time until the whole post-punk scene was swallowed up by Indies, who for the record wore collarless Granddad shirts and ill-fitting cardigans. I don’t think the latest generation of male fashion experimentation knows what to expect. All they are focused on is the booty.

If your woman wants you to wear deep V-necks you have to ask yourself why, and if you’re wearing a plunging V-neck but are still single, then perhaps that’s exactly why you can’t find a date. I don’t care what the media says, there’s only so far women will take this, what they don’t want to do is wait for you to get ready, ‘which deep V-neck suits this thong darling?’.

American Apparel offer 12 different types of deep V-necks. At Urban Outfitters, there are eight different options for guys, including the “Super V,” which boasts a 27-inch neckline from shoulder to hem, waxed six-packs sold separately. Now this might work on the catwalk, if all your friends are rich and famous and living in La La Land - go for it (if that’s what tickles your fancy). If not I’d think twice about expressing yourself in this fashion. For instance I know there’s a legion of rednecks, wideboys and old boys who will never get it, they have hairy navels, hairy nipples, beer bellies, and if they want to show them off they take their tops off, they won’t be relying on a plunging V-neck when bare chests and grunting are the order of the day.

Sometimes I think it might all just be a cruel joke, a conspiracy formed by the fashion media kabbalah, just how far will men go to attract women? Any guy they fancy can more than likely handle any style (however ridiculous) they throw at them, but the uglies, the butt uglies, and even your usual Joe on the street won’t be able to hack whatever their cunning minds have planned for the next stunt. Cunning stunts are the order of the day. Male stockings perhaps? Will you be needing a pair of suspenders with that sir, or would you rather garters?

If you’re young, male and desperately seeking sexual affirmation from the opposite sex, don’t let the fashion industry walk all over you. Don’t let them convince you that the babe down the street ignores you because you’re not wearing your hair in pigtails, or that your thongs aren’t poking out of your hipsters. I know it’s a dog eat dog world out there, but if all you do is obey, that’s exactly how you’ll be treated.