Google has bad taste in t-shirts

Trying to find the Coolest Newest T-Shirts Via The #1 Search Engine in the World is a fruitless task. Never let Google buy you a t-shirt for Xmas, you will most definitely want to return it, or even burn the awful thing in disgust.

I put in the search phrase “cool new t-shirts” in Google and I was surprised at just how archaic and “spammy” or “keyword loaded” the following results were. It’s all very well getting a thousand sites to link to you, employing an SEO expert to hit those essential top ten keyword results; buying advertising space, Ad-words, banner placements, newsletters and so on and so on.

Here’s the problem, the world is lazy, I am lazy, and so are you. If something appears to be doing a reasonable job overall, what is the use in knocking it? I’ll tell you, the rise of niche marketing, social bookmarking, the plethora of choice in all manner of product lines, and the fact that tastes change far more rapidly than Google’s search engine ranking algorithms.

Initially I wanted to research a few new t-shirts and designers for my latest review, and other than a hundred social bookmarking sites in my favourites list, and all the independent t-shirt designers, stores, labels and blogs I’ve added, I like to spread the search for new sources as soon as they arrive on the scene. In recent weeks I’ve found myself having to scour Google far beyond the first ten results to find anything I haven’t seen before. Perhaps popularity is a curse, or perhaps Google just isn’t doing its job right anymore?

#1 result at Google.co.uk for “cool new t-shirts” is -
http://www.streetshirts.co.uk “looks” like a very professional set up, yet beyond the nice web site template, their store holds a surprisingly light selection of t-shirts. They focus on slogan t-shirts, and in truth I’ve read most of them before. I was disappointed to say the least, is this unremarkable and rather bare t-shirt collection honestly the best that the UK can offer? I very much doubt it!

#1 result at Google.com for “cool new t-shirts” is no surprise -
Busted-Tees.com - I’ve mentioned them plenty of times before, not as impressive as they once were, bordering on offensive but never truly overstepping the line as say “TShirtHell.com” do with almost every t-shirt they churn out. Busted Tees are big, they have hundreds of domain names that link to their site, many of which they own themselves, they know how to market their goods professionally, their designs aren’t as original as they used to be, but their market dominance is understandable. Until you remember I had searched for “cool new t-shirts”, which they have very little to show in that department.

Many of the designs have been around for years, tons of their ideas are ripped from “The Simpsons”, many others feature as mainstay tees in a plethora of competing sites. Who created what first? Who cares! If these are new designs I must be stuck in a time loop here, I know when something is old, and most of their jokes are nearing decrepitude. Busted Tees have an enormous affiliate network, if enough of their affiliates use the term “cool new t-shirts”, the only first choice you’ll ever get from Google is this popular but not groundbreaking t-shirt store.

#2 result at Google.co.uk for “cool new t-shirts” is -
http://www.itiswhatitis.co.uk - this site is relatively new, or at least its appearance in the top ten over the past few months. With bleary eyes after a late night out I managed to scope Google UK for a whole heap of t-shirt related search terms and kept seeing IIWII at the #1 position. I’m rather stumped as to why this site is so popular. Firstly the site looks awful, and not deliberately awful as in T-shirt Hell’s rather gross conception of site design, but in a drab and boring “I’m too scared to tinker with my shopping cart script’s template” approach. For a lesson in how not to design a t-shirt store take a look!

Beyond the ugly home-page filled with some less-than-average looks models both wearing their hilarious trademark design, IIWII, I’m being sarcastic obviously, it does freak me out when a relatively nobody decides to push the branding before all else. If you don’t understand how to redesign your web site, don’t expect people to buy into your branding! Worse still these are boring designs, mainly old slogans, some wordplay, but essentially you’ve seen it all before and better! My overriding impression is that this company are essentially a print shop looking for a profitable sideline in t-shirts. I think the truth has been borne out by the gradual descent of their rankings as surfers readdress this Google approved popularity.

#2 result at Google.com for “cool new t-shirts” is -
http://www.80stees.com - I really can’t stand licensed t-shirt stores, I’ve mentioned that pet hate before, but this site and its sister sites contribute to some of the worst t-shirt related Google spam I’ve encountered to this day. Remember I searched for “cool NEW t-shirts”, licensed t-shirts are by their very nature OLD! I am sure that 80sTees.com is from the same people who run TruffleShuffle.com and its clone TruffleShuffle.co.uk. When I first defected from web design to t-shirt design I foolishly contacted these sites in various ways looking for advice and perhaps a back-link. I did indeed procure one 0 PR fact from them which points to my Cafe Press scraper site RetroGod.com. Although it’s only via one of their less well known keyword-domains, which seems to have slipped out of the search rankings, probably pulling down the PR of all competitors foolish enough to trade links with them.

What angers me, besides the unnatural advance in popularity of reprinted licensed bands’ and movies’ merchandise over new design and talent, is the extreme misrepresentation towards all t-shirt buyers. These are NOT new designs, how can an old A-Team or Knight Rider or Road Runner logo be new? They can’t, that’s just how Google works, if you have the money, a lot of domains, an unlimited advertising budget, a warehouse full of printing equipment and a large stock of blank tees, it seems you can tell the public anything you like.

#3 result at Google.co.uk for “cool new t-shirts” is -
http://www.retroclobber.co.uk Now I can’t confirm this, and if you have real evidence to prove otherwise I would be very interested to see it, but I have a very strong feeling that this site is in cahoots with the likes of Truffle Shuffle and 80s Tees. The Whois information for most of these sites is scant, but when I entered the search term “retroclobber owned by truffleshuffle” in Google, I found each site filled with quotes from happy and satisfied (if not a little unimaginative) customers referring to each others site in some twisted and rather incestuous marketing pact from the devil. Essentially someone behind these sites is a marketing genius, or rather the people they pay to do the marketing, because in the UK you can’t escape these sites. Even Google.com gives their 80sTees.com site high rankings, yet they are all the same old t-shirts you’ve seen a thousand times. Retro Clobber are selling the same tired t-shirts you’ll see at everyone of their other sites. At least Busted Tees produces original content (just about), and new titles (now and again). What on earth is Google doing ranking this site so highly, it is definitely not relevant to the search term “cool new t-shirts”.

#3 result at Google.com for “cool new t-shirts” is -
http://www.noisebot.com should be the first exception to the rule, they actually deliver on all counts. They provide “cool new t-shirts” for a start, or rather they try to. I still suspect there’s a big corporation hiding behind the funky exterior, Noisebot LLC even mentions its lawyers in the about page, so I’m guessing this is far more than a guy in his garage. Besides that minor niggle*, we seem to be on the right track so far!

*Yes corporations can create “new”, but they often spend far more on market research and marketing than R&D, I’m rather impressed with the selection though, I’m guessing they haven’t been taken over by greed quite yet.

They have gone for the Busted Tees format with gusto, I’m not sure about the site’s wallpaper, seems to have been chivied from an old blog template, but the cart layout is clean and friendly. (Take notes IIWII). I rather enjoyed their selection, although the experience was marred by a few incorrect links leading to a Yahoo Store’s 404 page, obviously their host, which seems to be popular with quite few new t-shirt stores out there. Perhaps it’s my Firefox browser, perhaps not, but whatever t-shirt thumbnails I do like the look of I seem to be lead to another Yahoo 404 error. Oh dear. I just clicked the on “When Milk Goes Bad” which looked a kinda fun tee, I get the same Yahoo warning message at the time of writing “Sorry, Unable to process request at this time — error 999″ with a message that my MacBook might have spyware or a virus, or that my ISP is experiencing unusual network activity, which are both b.s. If every other site I’m reviewing works, then this is most definitely a Yahoo problem. I had a brief problem with ShortBus Clothing when I first opened their site a while back, I believe they have their store hosted at Yahoo as well. Truth be told I think that Yahoo Stores have some serious bandwidth problems to contend with if they ever want to be taken seriously as an E-commerce provider!

It’s not going to well is it, how on earth can a site that can’t sell its wares rank so highly? How can sites that sell t-shirts over 30 years old be described as “new”?

Let’s move on and keep your fingers crossed!

#4 result at Google.co.uk for “cool new t-shirts” is -
http://www.djtees.com - what they have to do with DJ’s is anybody’s guess, what appears to be yet another vast collection of old licensed t-shirts, this time focusing on music merchandise and nothing else. They seem to have a wide collection, I love vintage gear to a degree, I’m always in the market for a rare Bape, or something trippy from the early 1970’s. But when I search for “cool new t-shirts” I don’t expect to find a 25 year old Frank Zappa tee staring me in the face. No new designs, no original content, just old bands and singers from the last 30 years or so. This is getting depressing. I’m hoping they have nothing to do with 80sTees.com and TruffleShuffle.com. If you buy a lot of licensed t-shirts, why not buy a license, print your own locally and sell a few to friends to make up the costs? If you’re desperate to license images, try this site http://www.licensemag.com - seems to be the authority.

#4 result at Google.com for “cool new t-shirts” is -
www.retroclobber.co.uk again…

#5 result at Google.co.uk for “cool new t-shirts” is -
http://www.8ball.co.uk - yes another licensed t-shirt site filled with old music, TV and film merchandising product images. Is this part of 80sTees.com? I’d love to know more but the site doesn’t even provide an about page! Okay you could argue that adding the text drum and bass to an old 1960’s image of the Beatles is a step in the right direction, it’s “partly” new, if we stretch the truth here. Licensed tees are starting to make me shudder.

#5 result at Google.com for “cool new t-shirts” is -
http://www.panic.com/goods/ - a badly designed subdirectory of a very popular Mac Software site. Shouldn’t bode well should it. Ironically it’s the best collection I’ve found in the top 5 results for “cool new t-shirts” in either Google UK or Google USA!

There aren’t many of them, they aren’t presented particularly well, neither is the cart, but damn do they have some nice designs!

Check these out:-

These really are great t-shirts, featuring Keita Takahashi and Ryo Kimura designs from the Katamari Damacy collection, as well as some of their own including Spinner which I really like. I’m not surprised seeing as the owner works with on a Mac all day, but essentially if it wasn’t for the massive popularity of the Panic.com domain, I’d never have found these t-shirts. This guy isn’t spamming Google, he isn’t dressing up old designs as new, he’s showcasing them, and I like them!

Google needs to get its act together, the public are lazy, but if this phenomenon is spread across every major keyword in the engine, their service won’t be half as popular in a few years from now. People power, be it groundbreaking t-shirt sites like Threadless.com, or the rise of social bookmarking and networking, no company can maintain their image as an authority site unless they know how to deliver both fairly and with relevance. With so many new designers struggling to rank in Google, how long will they take before yet another market is dominated by most wealthy and least talented of us all.